Letters on Spirituality: Freedom
He has shown me that the wounds of my past, though He didn’t will them to happen, He allowed them to happen. He uses all, sister. ...Especially the darkest moments of our life. If you let him into those moments and those memories He will make them new.
As I sat in the Adoration chapel, I tentatively laid out my dreams before God. My hopes for my vocation, my dreams to serve and create, my hopes for life-giving joy. But I was pulling back. I expressed my desire for fulfillment, but I did not dare voice how I hoped they would be molded specifically to my own heart.
I cannot remember a time before anxiety. When I was young, everything had to be just right, and I always had to be in control. As I grew older, the prevailing worry was homework - had I done it perfectly? What if I’d missed something? And then more diabolical fears crept in - and I do mean diabolical in the truest sense of the word. I spent years wrestling with crushing, exhausting, terrifying guilt in my spiritual life.
The hardest, transformative experience of my life has been going through a divorce and annulment as a 31 year old Catholic woman.
'I believe that You love me' were the words I prayed to Jesus in adoration that changed my faith-life forever. I received these words as part of my penance in confession.
"Dear Sisters in Christ, sometimes Jesus has to bop you upside the head with a 2x4 to get your attention. You feel me?..."
"Dear friend, As women living in a massively confusing culture, perhaps we are particularly susceptible to low self-esteem and, worse, self-hatred..."
"Dear Friends, About three years ago I remember sitting in mass on a particular Sunday & hearing a homily that changed my entire outlook..."