Caring for Myself as God Does
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I am 32 and single again after an over-2-year long relationship which ended last May. Throughout all my adult years, I made marriage and having kids my idol. I had this feeling that the lack of my own family made me a worse woman and human being, so I wasn’t able to be happy and grateful for what [I've received] from God.
I tried so hard to be the way I thought I should be in order to be a good Catholic. I thought it meant to fight my own feelings and weaknesses – because you have to work on yourself, right? I thought it meant that I was not allowed to feel angry, lonely, sad or overwhelmed, because – as a good Catholic – I should be above that. This past spring, I came to the point [where] I had no more energy to try so hard, because the prayers that I had prayed throughout the past two years didn’t come true. I surrendered. For the second time in my life I surrendered to God and for the second time, it turned out to be the best I could do. With His grace, I have learned how to be honest with myself and with Him. Throughout all these years I thought I had to conquer my feelings. Now I know that was a lie.
I don’t have to pretend that I have no feelings anymore because feelings are not bad – feelings are great and they’re God’s gift. I've learned how to understand and accept them and how not to judge myself so harshly. The result is that for the first time in my life there is no grief about my single-hood in my heart. I have never ever felt so free in my life before. When I feel sad or lonely I immediately talk to God about it. Earlier I didn’t include this in my daily prayer and was worrying, crying and feeling hopeless days long. I had no idea that that matters to God. He doesn’t change the circumstances always/immediately, but He changes my point of view and literally takes the sadness away. Life became easier on a daily basis. There are still problems which have to be resolved (sometimes the only thing you need is a one hundred thousand dollars, right?), there are sickness and quarrels, but there is no continuous heartache about them. I’ve learned to live in the here and now, without worrying about the future. After 32-years, I finally understood what it means when God says "Don't worry about tomorrow."
What I’m trying to say is that it’s crucial to know and accept the truth about yourself. It’s tricky, because I thought I knew myself. I knew I was emotional, but I always treated this as a weakness and I didn’t want to be weak or better said – to be considered weak by… God. Accepting and loving yourself can be a long journey, Sisters, but it frees and opens us to God and His grace. We do not take part in any race in our lives - it is not about surviving, it's about living. We are complete because God provides everything we need.
Get to know Kasia Malska
Tell us a little bit about yourself!
My name is Kasia, I’m currently 33 years old and single. I’m a German language and literature graduate and work as a project management officer at a global IT company. After living in Munich, Germany, and Wrocław, Poland I came back to my hometown Poznań, Poland. I’m an ESFJ and my temperament is a melancholy-choleric combination. I’m trying to make my dreams come true right now, so I started to take tap dance classes (it has been my dream since my high school) and travel a little bit.