Stepping Out Into the Light: Finding Healing From Abuse
Letter from Genevieve Thanh
Photo by Brandon Hoogenboom
Dear Sister,
For a long time, I truly believed that I was broken, even though I’ve heard over and over again that “the Lord makes the brokenhearted whole.” It took many years to finally acknowledge my childhood trauma, and it took months of panic and anxiety attacks, vivid flashbacks, and hiding it away to finally face it.
When I was young, my brother, mom, and I had endured years of verbal and physical abuse. When I was seven, my parents’ unhealthy marriage ended in divorce. Years later, they both remarried, and growing up, I referred to my family as my mom, stepdad, brother, and stepsister. It may have been an unconventional situation but I never second-guessed it because I didn’t know otherwise.
During my freshman year of college, after a lot of partying and bad decisions, I experienced a deeper conversion of the Holy Spirit Sophomore year, I was baptized in the Holy Spirit and was truly living my faith out and began to develop a missionary heart for the Lord’s kingdom. My junior year, I began living in a household with other Catholic women and it was here when I started to experience random or triggered panic attacks from flooding childhood memories of the abuse my family endured. I continued pushing it down, not wanting to face the brokenness that seemed like an interwoven part of my identity. How could I face this darkness when I was surrounded by a loving, faithful community with seemingly picture-perfect families?
Throughout these difficult months, I struggled in silence not letting anyone know of my past or of my hurting. Only my long-distance boyfriend knew what I was going through and he encouraged me to go to counseling. I thought I could power through it because I believed I had already dealt with this past and had come to terms with it. Throughout this time of denial, I consistently prayed for clarity in His plans and for more trust in Him, yet all I got was silence. I was so angry and confused that these memories were resurfacing without any explanation. However, looking back, I now know that at this specific time, I had grown more dependent on the Lord and He was with me to give me strength to bring my healing.
The months of hidden anxiety and panic attacks came to a head one random day. That afternoon, I heard a song being mindlessly sung that talked about the horrors of a woman abused by her spouse. This suddenly triggered a panic attack that I hid and after an hour, I told myself I could muscle through like usual. That night, I was heading to a potluck community dinner and I thought that my normal bubbly, sociable self could muster a fake smile and feign interest in conversations. One survey across the room of familiar faces triggered an anxiety attack and there was zero control in my body to stop it. That night really shook me at my core and finally made me realize that I needed to face what I couldn’t control anymore.
This realization combined with the words of another letter featured on The Catholic Woman finally gave me the push to actually confront what was happening to me. The letter read “To my dear sisters who may be hiding in the darkness of their hearts… it is time to come out of hiding.” These words gave me courage to come out of my hiding and share the struggles in my heart. I first shared what I had been experiencing with a couple of close friends and then decided to begin counseling because I knew that I didn’t want to continue living with this hidden and suppressed hurt.
Soon after, I sought out a Catholic counselor and began seeing her on a weekly then bi-weekly basis. I began to intentionally relive these terrible memories in order to begin the process of healing and trying to make my heart whole again. Those Wednesdays took a toll on me. However, through this, the Lord continued to reveal His truth and His steadiness to me. Through counseling and consistent prayer, He began to restore and renew the concept of fatherhood and allow me to be dependent on His Fatherhood. While I was struggling to work through these earthly relationships, He showed me that in Him, I find perfect love and in Him, I find the most perfect Father.
Our loving Father brought me freedom and confidence in my story and I was able to share vulnerably with my friends and housemates and confidently say that civil divorce saved the lives of my mom and her children. I’m not ashamed that my parents are divorced and as hard as it is, it’s not something I can change about myself. Despite this, I am confident in my identity that is rooted in the Lord because He has made me fearfully and wonderfully and has brought me through hardships and strengthened me into the person I am now.
As my confidence in myself and my past began to grow, the Lord started putting people in my life that needed to hear my unique story. During this time, I soon found out that not one but two of my close friends had parents that were previously married and divorced and I was able to speak into their lives with the Father’s heart of unconditional love that I had received. I was also able to open up to my stepsister and encourage her to start counseling as well so that the Lord could begin healing her heart from her own family struggles.
The Lord chose this particular time in my life to confront my past because He knows that it is only now that I had become strong enough and dependent enough on Him. He knows that with this newfound strength, I can more fully be an empathetic friend and a loving evangelist on campus. He turned my weakness into my strength and has continued to break through in my heart to heal me. My healing process with the Father is far from over but He has already claimed so many victories for me.
Handwritten quote from the writer.
My heart may have been broken but my soul filled with Christ was always whole. All this time, I perceived my past as something irreparable, but it was actually a tool that the Lord had given me to bring His healing to others. He heard my cry and lifted me out of the pit of destruction. The Lord desires to set us free! When the Holy Spirit is alive inside us, even in our perceived brokenness, we can become a light to others and cut through the darkness. He wants us uniquely and personally and there is no light ray like yours, dear Sister.
The Lord will bring you out of the pit of destruction and into His light. It doesn’t matter what you have done or what previous generations have done because despite everything- in Him, you are strengthened, you are known, you are so loved. So, trust in our heavenly Father because He will bring you healing and freedom from your past.
In Christ,
Genevieve
About the Writer: Genevieve Thanh is currently a student at The Ohio State University (Go Bucks!) studying biomedical engineering. She is proud to be a part of Saint Paul’s Outreach, a Catholic charismatic community who altogether seeks to love and spread the joy of the Gospel throughout campus. She is passionate about building up women and is not afraid to share her rebel heart rooted in Christ. You can often find her making vlogs, drinking coffee, and spending time with her friends and family.
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