Inviting Christ Into My Loneliness as a Single Woman
Letter from Kayla Bridick
Photo by Kate Williams
Beloved daughters,
In high school, I handled being alone very well. I was a floater, the girl who was known for being nice to everyone. On most days, I told myself I loved this role. I stayed out of drama and was able to spend time with all different types of people. I would hang out with my friends at school, and our relationships would pretty much end there. I never really had a best friend growing up anyway, so I was used to doing my own thing. It was my version of normal. I prided myself on being independent.
I handled being alone very well.
Until I didn't.
My lonely emotions had been bubbling up behind the scenes for a while, and despite my efforts to push them down, they made their way to the surface. While being a floater meant connecting with many incredible people, it also meant that I never really fit in. I could never manage to form the close relationships that I desired. Every friendship I had was strictly surface level. Sure, we had common interests, but I couldn’t share my deepest emotions and thoughts with any of them. I had no one to confide in, no one to share emotions with, and I was left feeling isolated and unloved. As I watched my friends spend spring break in each other’s company, I spent mine at home alone. I felt an intense pressure banging on the walls of my chest. All of my emotions were demanding to be felt, and I began to ask God the questions ringing through my mind. "Why am I not good enough? Why does no one want to hang out with me? Am I that miserable to be around? Why am I so unloved?”
I could not find satisfaction simply in being enough for God. I knew that God loved me, but I thought it was because He had to—because He was my Creator. It felt like any sort of love coming from Him was hollow. It was the people in my life that I longed to be validated by and continued to try and earn love from.
Soon, my deep desire to be appreciated and loved consumed me, and I started looking for affirmation from boys. I told myself that the answer to all of my self-doubt was my future husband; as soon as I got a boyfriend, he would be the one that would fill me up with every ounce of happiness I had ever longed for. I decided that if I could prove my commitment to my cause, then the Lord would reward me with my soulmate. My time spent in prayer mostly revolved around my future spouse. I developed an unhealthy mindset in which I was constantly seeking out “the one.” I told myself that when I found him, I would finally be freed from the chains of loneliness forever. I never thought to ask God what His plan was for me. I only wished to convince Him of my own.
I began to pity myself at the thought of never feeling truly whole and always experiencing life with a void in my chest. One night, when I sat on the floor drowning in my emotions, Jesus’ constant pursuit was finally made known to my blinded soul. It was as if Jesus was knocking on the door to my heart saying, “Please, Kayla. Let Me in.” I did not want to let Him in. I thought if I wasn’t proving my loneliness to the Lord, then he would never fulfill the desires of my heart. I imagined that if I even showed the littlest bit of contentment, then I would never be in a relationship or have a family, and that scared me – a lot. Yet, I was so tired of seeking out peace and happiness and never being able to find it. I was exhausted from constantly chasing after my own plans only to have them remain unfulfilled. I wanted to be done with waiting for a relationship in order to feel complete. In a cry for help, an unexpected plea escaped from my lips, “Jesus, please come fill this lonely spot in my heart that only You can fill.”
Like a drop in the ocean, as soon as I finally invited the Lord into this one, small source of ache, I set off a mighty ripple that granted Him the permission to begin the process of healing within my deepest wounds.
Jesus helped me to understand my emotions by walking into them rather than going around them. I had to be honest, not only with myself, but most importantly, with God. Even though He already knew everything that was on my heart, I needed to be able to vocalize my feelings and have a raw conversation with Him in which I held nothing back. I told Him that without a significant other, I didn’t think I could ever be happy. I told Him that without a second half, I thought I’d be incomplete. I admitted that I didn’t trust in His plan for my life. I thought that if I felt okay being single, then He would take advantage of that and make me be single for the rest of my life.
I waded in these deep waters where I used to think my heavy heart would cause me to sink, except this time, it was different. I allowed Jesus to be fully present with me there, and He kept me afloat. With each ounce of loneliness or worry that came my way, I would repeat, “Jesus, please come fill this lonely spot in my heart that only You can fill.” After each prayer, I was able to find more and more of the peace I had been searching for. Slowly but surely, I let go of the tight grip I had on the feeling of loneliness, and instead I held on to my newfound identity as a beloved daughter. I looked to Jesus as my true source of worth and felt complete in Him. I discovered that I was already fully whole simply because I was His. For the first time, I fully believed that He loved me.
While I was much more confident in who I was created to be, I still wasn't sure that I’d ever establish holy friendships in my life. Yet, just a couple of months later, God sent me the most beautiful confirmation that He did indeed care about my desires, and even more, He wanted to fulfill them – even if it wasn’t in the way I had imagined.
I started to attend the Newman Catholic group on my college campus. There, I met the most amazing group of women that I have been able to grow in holiness and friendship with in the past year. They did not answer my specific prayer request for a boyfriend, but they have transformed my life in an even better way I could have never imagined. Through them, God has shown me just how vital it is not only to have a relationship with Him but also the importance of establishing relationships with others. I am able to find my true worth in God, but I am also able to find an abundance of joy in sharing my life with those around me.
Handwritten quote from the writer
Whenever we invite Jesus to come into our deepest desires, we can rest assured that He will promptly arrive each and every time. It can be intimidating and sometimes even scary to step into those areas of our hearts, but it is in those very places where He gently tends to us. We need never be afraid in giving our lives and desires to Christ. He does not wish to manipulate, to confuse, or to punish us. He knows us better than we know ourselves and seeks only to sanctify our hearts so that we can experience life to the fullest capacity. Jesus longs to transfigure our desires with His presence.
Perhaps His will and His timing are different than ours, but sometimes different is better. Tell the Lord your desires. Speak of your wants and your dreams. Trust that He knows you, He loves you, and He has a perfect plan for you.
When we step into His light, we can always be sure that we will never walk away empty handed. With His love, we are filled to the brim.
His beloved daughter,
Kayla
About the Writer: Kayla Bridick is a twenty year-old college student studying Early Childhood Education at Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville. Along with her love of teaching young children, she also has a passion for art, and runs a shop called In His Sonlight which sells hand-painted plant pots and prayer cards. She is a born and raised Midwesterner who loves all of the St. Louis classics including toasted ravioli, gooey butter cake, and of course, Imo’s pizza! When she’s not hanging out on Instagram(@thecatholickayla), you can find her listening to Frank Sinatra or watching her favorite movie, The Parent Trap.
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