Friend Crushes, Loneliness & Receptivity: Finding a New Approach to Friendship
Letter from Meghan Chen
Dearest sisters:
I have had ‘friend crushes’ for as long as I can remember. In elementary school, instead of intertwining my initials with those of the cute boy across the street, I would write stories about becoming best friends with the nice, pretty girl next door. If I’d identified you as my soul sister, I’d agonize over conversations we’d had and would find a way to pay you every compliment in the book. This approach to friendship followed me through my teenage and young adult years; once I’d decided we were going to be friends, I was going to make sure you liked me.
I wanted close friends so badly because, as an only child, I never had a sister of my own. I had supportive family relationships and friendships, which more than made up for not having siblings. But, instead of receiving their love as a gift from God, all I could see was the hole left in my life by the sister I'd never had. To fill the void, I tried to find myself the perfect ‘sister friend.’ I’d identify promising potential friends–often based on superficial reasons like appearance–and would start thinking about all the fun memories we’d make together before our first conversation even happened. I became highly attached to the idea of a ‘dream friendship,’ not realizing that the most valuable friendships aren’t fabricated; they grow out of the ability to see, know, and love others deeply. Those things don’t emerge from impressing someone, but are a natural result of genuinely encountering someone’s heart.
My preoccupation with perfect friendships didn’t just prevent me from receiving everyday graces; it also set me up for disappointment when the conversations I’d dreamed about actually happened. My unrealistic expectations made it impossible for the real-life connections to check every box. Instead of taking a step back and reality checking those expectations, I blamed myself for the disappointing conversations, and this blame began to cast a shadow on how I saw myself in all my relationships. If an old friend didn’t text me back, I was convinced that I didn’t mean anything to them. If a family member told me they were busy, it was because they didn’t actually want to spend time with me. I was consumed in self-pity, failing to notice and appreciate the friends who’d been reminding me of their love and care all along.
My heart wasn’t in a place to receive what I was already being given.It all came to a head when I started a new job and was trying to figure out where I fit into the team socially. There was one particular coworker whom I connected with quickly, but opportunities for a friendship to develop between us felt few and far between. I remember one day when I was supposed to be finishing up a project, but I just couldn’t focus because I was too frustrated about the lack of progression in this friendship. I thought that day would be full of opportunities for my coworker and I to interact, but she’d spent the whole afternoon chatting with someone else. Familiar feelings of inadequacy arose within me, and quickly the whole situation became my fault. “She must not actually like me,” I told myself. “I'm clearly not interesting enough for her to spend time with.”
It wasn't long before I'd convinced myself that I'd be spending the next few months friendless and alone. I could feel myself starting to put walls up around my heart–walls that would prevent me from receiving anything, good or bad.
But just as construction on the barricade had begun, another coworker slid into the seat next to mine. She smiled at me and made a comment about her day, and before I even knew what was happening, we were trading stories and laughing until our cheeks hurt. Halfway through the conversation, she looked at me with genuine appreciation in her eyes and told me how much she would miss being part of our team when she had to move on. And at that moment, something in my heart shifted. As I received her love, I realized that I was deeply grateful for all of the friendships that had developed at this job, not just the one that didn’t seem to be going anywhere. I’d been so consumed by that one relationship that I had been forgetting to receive love from the people who had been selflessly giving it to me every day.
If I’d quieted my frustrated complaints long enough to hear God speak, I bet I would have heard Him whisper tenderly: “My daughter, you don’t NEED to be best friends with [insert name here] to be happy. All along the way, I have been providing you with opportunities for beautiful relationships with others. Receive their love, their joy, their companionship. Instead of chasing friendships that match the template you have in your head, lean in to the moments around you and watch Me leave My footprints all over your heart.”
Handwritten quote from the writer
When I approach relationships with tunnel vision, I forget that God is giving me opportunities to encounter others meaningfully. A message from an old friend, a quick coffee break with a coworker, or even a smile from a stranger are all chances to give and receive the love of God. When I receive those tender moments as opportunities for heart-to-heart connections, I no longer need to rely on conversations happening exactly as planned to feel connected to others. I can just open my hands and receive the many manifestations of God’s abundant love. When I receive all He has given me, I can give from a source much more vast than anything I alone could supply. I can give love without hesitation because I know I have already received all of the love that I need, and that no friendship road blocks are going to compromise His unconditional and endless love for me.
Dear friends, I pray that we could all learn to dance and revel in His abundance, even in the places in our lives that feel dark and empty. I pray that we could learn to gratefully receive love from God and from the people who are most constant in our lives. May we remember that no one-sided relationship is a statement of our self-worth, and that nothing compromises our identity as His beloved daughters. May we open our eyes to the world around us so that we can notice and receive His countless blessings.
With love,
Meghan
About the Writer: Meghan is a PNW native who does her best to live every day with her heart open and her palms up. An aspiring nurse, she finds big-time grace in shared cups of tea and unexpectedly meaningful conversations. God invites her daily to be tender and tough in all things, and she is learning lots about living out of His abundance instead of her own scarcity. Writing notes is her love language, sharing stories gives her life, and music flows through her veins. Goals for this season include noticing miniature miracles, going on more hikes, and committing family recipes to memory.
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For Your Reflection:
Pray about it: Ask the Father to show you the relationships you may be taking for granted or any opportunities you have to encounter others more meaningfully. Ask Him to give you the grace to love without hesitation.
Write about it: Reflect on the ways you build meaningful friendships in your day to day life. How have you been connecting with friends, both new and old, in this increasingly digital age?
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