A Letter from Dayne Urbanovsky

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My Dear Sisters in Christ,

Doubting my faith was never part of my plan. In fact, it was the furthest thing from how I envisioned my time at a Catholic college. It was as if I thought that the number of hours I’d banked in Mass, confession, rosaries or ministry would protect me from this.

My sophomore year of college, I was hanging onto my faith by a thread, still going to Sunday Mass and presenting a facade that everything was fine. While the thought of leaving the faith that defined my childhood, my family, my friend community, my everything, was terrifying, I felt I’d come to a point where I had to make a decision. The doubts were so strong that I knew I couldn’t continue to live a faith I semi-believed while also keeping my integrity.

As a last effort to hold onto my faith, I decided to attend a retreat the first weekend of spring break. I read an apologetics book during the weekend and at adoration the last evening I finished the final page, looked up at Jesus in the monstrance and made a commitment to believe. That moment, that decision, changed everything.

It wasn’t a lightning bolt of renewed faith or a dramatic conversion. In fact, doubts still lingered for years afterwards. But I know God’s love, his strength and his goodness poured into me that night. That moment and ever since, he’s been teaching me so much about love. During my childhood and teen years, my love for God had so much joy associated with it. Sure, there were sacrifices, but the strong intimacy I felt with Him made my faith feel natural and right. But at that moment, kneeling before a God I struggled to believe in, nothing in me felt like loving him and committing to a path I couldn't’ fully understand.

He showed me that loving him isn’t always a swelling of the heart. At its core, love of God is a choice. To be truly free to love and serve God we need to be free to choose him. That choice looks different for each of us. Sometimes it’s a defining moment, a beautiful conversion. Other times it’s looking up with blurry vision and glimpsing just enough of his light, illuminated by the faithful around us, and just saying “yes” one more time. Yes through the uncertainty, yes through the discomfort, yes through the pain. Yes through learning or re-learning what it means to love him.

I want to encourage you, my sisters in Christ, if you’re going through something that feels uncertain and uncomfortable, if you’re missing the consolations of faith. If like me, you’ve wrestled with and hid doubts about your faith because you were ashamed you were the only one with these struggles. If you’ve felt deeply alone in a Bible study where it seemed everyone around you was praying for greater trust in God’s plan while you just desperately wanted to believe in God. If you’ve struggled with confessing the sames sins over and over again. If you’ve experienced Mass as an emotionally draining experience rather than a beautiful time of union with God. If you’ve felt like you don’t have what it takes to be the right kind of Catholic.

Our yes through these struggles speaks our love to God.

At these moments, I think of Mary and her fiat. A deep love of God permeated her life and made it possible to say yes even when she didn’t understand everything that yes would bring. Just as her yes brought Christ into the world, our daily yes can make him visible in the world.

The relationship we build with God throughout our earthly lives can truly be so beautiful. The struggles and doubts we face can build the most treasured intimacy with him and bring a richness and fullness to our relationship that is forged through sacrifices and trust.

Adoration holds such a special place in my heart because each time I gaze at Jesus I’m reminded of the moments and the life we’ve shared. I think of the times he’s known my heart when I couldn’t share my fears with anyone else, the way he’s poured his love on me while waiting for me to say “yes” one more time, the way of yes we’ve walked together.

My sisters, I want to pass on to you the words a dear friend once shared with me, “You are not loved for what you do, you are loved for who you are.” Let us allow God to continue to pursue our hearts, and to answer “yes” in return, knowing that trust in him is greater than any uncertainty we face. A life with him is worth it.

With love and hope for your future,

Dayne

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About Dayne Urbanovsky

My favorite things include: going on offbeat adventures, visiting beautiful adoration chapels, decorating my apartment with thrifted treasures, exploring new bike trails, writing creative nonfiction stories, reading memoirs, watching documentaries, taking sunset walks around lakes, and listening to 1980s and 90s country music. I also love to spend time with my family (the people who understand the struggles of having a last name no one can pronounce) going on family trips or gathering at my parents’ acreage to play board games and cook Czech food. I have four siblings (I’m the middle child), a four-year-old nephew and a one-year-old niece. It’s a joy to watch the little ones experience the world and aunthood has exceeded my already high expectations (seriously, it’s the best!).