The Wanderer’s Return
Interview with Gaby Quillan
Part Three from our “Help My Unbelief” Series
Photo by Annie Spratt
Interview with Gaby
How would you describe your faith journey? What place has unbelief had in it?
I was born and raised in the Catholic faith and my folks were very involved in the Catholic Charismatic Movement. I had the great privilege of watching them both have daily prayer and have our family life revolve around loving and serving Christ and His people. It was all I knew so the faith became sort of second nature to me until middle school. That's when I started questioning things. I connected with a group of friends that had different upbringings and practiced different religions and I became intrigued with the idea that there is a plethora of beliefs and cultures and options outside of Christianity that can dictate your life. I spent the next few years as a "christian" who took many of my life philosophies from the New Age movement and general modern relativism that was permeating my adolescent scene.
I also went through a year or so where I dabbled in forms of feminist Wiccan mysticism. My experience in that resulted in deep rebellion against the Church and all things that seemed to impose limitations of my freedom (which at the time I felt was at the heart of Catholicism).
It was at this time that I remember experiencing profound unbelief. Unfortunately, I began to doubt in the truth and authenticity of the Gospels and the Church.
In His gentleness and mercy, Christ allowed me to wrestle with him during this time but never let me go. Through good Christian friendships, the steadfast love and faith of my family and my own desire to arrive at truth and love I saw what I was looking for in Christ and in his Church.
What effect has your struggle with unbelief had on the way that you relate to God?
In my experience, unbelief and doubt tend to stem from pride. Pride that I am capable of making sense of all things, that I am able to grasp why and how things happen. And at the core of pride is usually fear. Fear that I am not in control. I think at the core of my unbelief was a deep fear that if I ascended to faith, that people would perceive me as weak. I feared that opening myself up to faith would mean that I was to just go along with all the other sheep, that my opinion and desires and self would have no place and no value. So I would relate to God in a defensive way. "I'll believe in you, but only so much, cause I still need to be in control".
How did your experience of unbelief affect you personally? What did you notice about how you thought about, felt toward, and reacted to this unbelief?
I tend to be rash and intense, so I think when I decided that I wasn't sure about Christianity, I couldn't just remain in a limbo about it. I wanted to figure out what I believed and then be all about it. As soon as I started questioning, I also stopped going to mass, broke my commitments to my youth group, and somewhat alienated myself from my "Christian" friends. I cut myself off from the sacraments and I believe that had some profound personal consequences. Once I began to question Christ, I also began to question sin. So I found myself making bad moral decisions that I otherwise wouldn't have. Sin often disguises itself as freedom, but after a while the chains of sin quickly become apparent.
When I was living in doubt of God‘s existence or God’s goodness, I had so much angst, rebellion and anger in my heart. I would find myself always arguing and opposing things that I had once believed. I felt that I had to intellectually understand all things in order to surrender to faith. But of course because no human is capable of understanding all things I would find myself frustrated and unsatisfied when arguing apologetics especially in hot button issues of the moral life.
It really wasn’t until I started engaging the faith more intellectually and seriously that I really began to experience deep peace. My prayer life grew. My desire to worship and live a sacramental life grew. But for me it was really a conversion of the mind. I realized that faith was not just ‘spiritual feelings’ and old Archaic tradition.
My faith was based on thousands of years of salvation history that is so rooted in reason that it’s really undeniable when you use your mind and engage in the intellectual work required to get to truth.
What have you heard God say to you in the midst of your unbelief?
God was very gentle with me during this time. He allowed me to yell and cry and stomp around like an angry toddler who is throwing a tantrum. He sent the right people to help me answer questions of doubt that I was really wrestling with. He opened doors and opportunities of support and care in my life that were the places I experienced healing and growth.
Mostly, He just reminded me that He was my Father, and regardless of how far I would run or how rebellious I would act, He was always ready and excited to see me and welcome me back home.
What practices have you found helpful to combat the unbelief you experience? Where do you find hope?
I believe confession is incredibly powerful and healing. I have experienced true humility and forgiveness in the sacrament of confession. And I often think we fear and are so ashamed of admitting our wrongs that we keep ourselves bound and caged up in guilt and sin. For me confession has been so freeing and so easy.
I am a homebody that likes air conditioning, comfort, and privacy. But I’ve learned that spending a lot of time outdoors and in nature is also very healing to my mind and my heart. Questions of doubt are often dwarfed when you begin to experience the beauty of nature and creation. Especially in the virtual world that we live in, taking some time and going outdoors and experiencing the life, growth, cycles and power that nature shows us helps ground us and remind us that we are merely a small part of something much, much bigger. That there is a plan in all this, whether we can conceive of it or not. And if we stop and listen... nature has a particularly humbling way of breaking us from the walls that we can build in our minds. The seasons teach us about life and death, hope and acceptance. The animals teach us about our basic necessities, our ingenuity in survival and the complexity Of our need for each other. Vegetation teaches us about God’s amazing ability to sustain us and bring healing to our bodies. Mountains, oceans, flowers all teach us about God’s incredible beauty and power. The weather teaches us to let go of control and that there are forces greater than us. Everywhere you look God uses nature to open our eyes and mind to faith.
Is there a saint or other spiritual figure that helps you during times of unbelief? In what ways?
I have loved Pope Benedict XVI's works on faith and reason. I have also found Christopher Dawson's Historical take to be very influential on my own understanding of salvation History and God's great plan.
And when I am experiencing doubt I ask for the intercession of Saint Joan of Arc and Saint Michael the Archangel.
This interview was compiled and edited by Michelle Rash. Read more from this interview series Help My Unbelief.