An Unbelief Built On Pride
Interview with Tiffany Bowling
Part Two from our “Help My Unbelief” Series
Photo by Emma Steinhobel
Series Introduction
“I do believe, help my unbelief.” These words are spoken in Mark’s gospel (Mark 9:24) by a father pleading with Jesus to heal his son. Jesus honors the man’s faith by answering his prayer. Despite Jesus’ loving response to this father’s honest prayer, how often are we afraid to admit to our unbelief? We may fear that our doubts somehow make us less worthy of coming to our Lord, ashamed of our own failings. The Church recognizes this struggle, saying “we perceive God as ‘in a mirror, dimly’ and only ‘in part’. Even though enlightened by him in whom it believes, faith is often lived in darkness and can be put to the test. The world we live in often seems very far from the one promised us by faith. Our experiences of evil and suffering, injustice and death, seem to contradict the Good News; they can shake our faith and become a temptation against it” (CCC, 165).
We can take comfort in knowing that unbelief is not a failure on our part but a very real experience of a life lived in faith. All that Jesus asks of us in the midst of unbelief is that we come to him, as the father in Mark’s gospel, let Him care for us, for He is the “pioneer and perfecter of our faith” (CCC, 165). In this series, women will talk about their experience of unbelief, where they found hope in spite of doubt, and how Jesus drew them closer to Himself in the midst of it.
Interview with Tiffany
Tiffany studied Communication Technology at The Ohio State University. After which she relocated to do two years of mission work for an organization, called Saint Paul’s Outreach. Making a few moves along the way, her nomad heart has found its home in the center of the country, doing freelance work. She currently resides just outside of Kansas City where she spends her free time exploring the city with friends who inspire and call her higher.
How would you describe your faith journey? What place has unbelief had in it?
Imagine this, a slow and gradual incline made up of hills of various sizes, now imagine a small human running up some inclines tripping down others, distracted by a butterfly, slipping in mud, trudging back up slowly until the mud dries chips away and she can sprint again, getting tired again, getting back, up… you get the gist.
Through the whole of my life, faith has always been expected—the normal for my family. It was the thing that at times set me apart from others and made me feel unique. It wasn’t until I encountered peers who lived the faith that I realized I didn’t have much faith. I had made knowledge of my faith the foundation, even marking it as the root of my identity. I finally had to face the light and recognize I’d never encountered God, only learned about Him and used Him as a way to feel special. This recognition initiated a thirst and I began to pray “Lord, help me want to want you” for so long I thought my unbelief was in not wanting Him enough. As the Lord and I continued to walk together He timely revealed the root of my unbelief. It was not in my lack of wanting as I originally believed, but in my self-reliance and pride. So yeah, unbelief is real my friends.
What effect has your struggle with unbelief had on the way that you relate to God?
In my lack of understanding, I assigned the voice of God as accusatory, so in my lackluster attempts to read the bible, His tone never quite sat right with me. I read it as though I was failing to live up to His standards. I believed He was calling me out for what I’d done or not done, and impatiently waiting for me to figure out how to be the better person He’d intended. I knew this to be contradictory to what others told me of Him, but couldn’t bring myself to question my own perspective. I was afraid of how it might affect the religious identity I’d built. So instead I kept God at arm’s length, close enough that I could reach out to grab him when I felt I was falling, but never letting Him close enough to pierce my heart and walk with me day to day. I applied restrictions to our relationship, and only allowed myself to bring him my most desperate or my most joyful prayers. This way, I either didn’t have energy to question Him or no real reason to. I build up a shell of distrust, believing that He would not allow me to question and find the answer in Him.
How did your experience of unbelief affect you personally? What did you notice about how you thought about, felt toward, and reacted to this unbelief?
At first, I pushed away my unbelief of who the Lord is and pretended as though it didn’t exist. I was afraid to question how I could be so far off from understanding the Lord, when I had rooted so much of my identity in faith. I was afraid to find out how deep my unbelief went. So instead of questioning myself, I questioned the faithfulness those around me. Were they doing it right? My focus shifted to casting judgments on others and their preferred faith practices rather than on my relationship and understanding of the Lord. This focus on the ‘law’ rather than the ‘heart of things’ continued until I realized I couldn’t question them anymore and needed to face myself. Confused, annoyed and frustrated by the conflict between my head and heart knowledge, I eventually realized I had to ask the hard questions that I had worked so hard to ignore: How could an omnipotent God be ABUNDANTLY merciful? And further, if I asked this question then how could He not strike me down in that moment for such a disrespectful question, after all I should know His goodness, right?
What have you heard God say to you in the midst of your unbelief?
He has spoken so much within it all (not that I recognized that at the time). He encouraged me to read Unbound by Neal Lozano and in it Lozano discusses the parable of the servant with an unpayable debt who is released of his debt. That servant then goes out and to collect on a debt owed to him and imprisons the one who cannot pay. Lozano goes on, “Note closely that the original debt was canceled on the basis of mercy; the servant didn’t earn it, he didn’t deserve it and it was not because he promised to pay it back. Similarly, we did not earn the forgiveness of sins, nor did we deserve it or receive it based on the promise to pay God back or to be good. Unfortunately, this man did not receive (internalized) the mercy that was given him; he received only what he asked for: the chance to pay it back! Was it misunderstanding? Or was it his pride, not wishing to give up his right to justify himself? …In our pride and self-delusion we often believe that God loves us and forgives us because of something we did, that we somehow deserve the mercy of God.” Woah! That hit me hard, this is exactly what I had done with God my whole life, I kept trying paying back my debt, thinking even if it’s not expected it’s what I should do. How could I accept a gift so extravagant without trying to give back something in return? But that’s exactly what we are asked to do and we must if we are to know the Father because it is the deepest truth of His nature. Abundant mercy. He spoke courage into my heart to ask the tough questions and provided the resources to discover where my unbelief was rooted that it could be extracted for good. With that deep seed uprooted my heart was finally able to accept God in the truth of who he is.
What practices have you found helpful to combat the unbelief you experience?
Where do you find hope?
There is some front and back end work that I have found helpful. Behind the scene, setting aside time to get to know the Lord through scripture, spiritual reading and community and in the moment calling out the unbelief when it stirs in my heart. Once I’ve identified it, I replace it with what I know to be true. I have found such hope in the Lord’s resilience. After everything He and I have been through He still shows up, He still pursues and provides. He doesn’t want me to be afraid, because whatever situation or question arises He definitely has the answer and wants to work with me to reveal the truth even more than I desire to discover it.
Is there a saint or other spiritual figure that helps you during times of unbelief? In what ways?
A few years back, a certain saint kept popping up in my life. Approaching me through various book recommendations, devotionals and stumbling upon chapels devoted to her, it seemed I couldn’t ignore St. Therese, the little flower’s nudging. I could not be happier that she snuck into my life, what a woman! She was so convinced of the necessity of humility and loved how her weaknesses led to greater reliance on the Lord. In learning more about her I happened upon this quote, “Even though I had on my conscience all the sins that can be committed, I would go, my heart broken with sorrow, and throw myself into Jesus’ arms, for I know how much He loves the prodigal child who returns to Him.” I was surprised by this, that a saint of this devotion would consider herself a prodigal son; that even a great saint such as Therese found refuge in the mercy of Jesus. When I’m struggling with unbelief brought on by the weight of my sin, it’s helpful to recall the words of an incredible saint and holy woman. I’m inspired by her to trust that regardless of where I am, Jesus’ mercy will pursue me there.
This interview was compiled and edited by Michelle Rash