Letter from Laura Rees

My dear sister,

It was a hot and muggy Wednesday evening as I sat alone in a church pew for adoration. Sweat was soaking the back of my shirt, tears were streaming down my face, and my only thought as I knelt before the golden monstrance and the Blessed Sacrament within was “What the heck am I doing here, God?” I was hot, tired, sad, lonely, and new to New York City.

Living in New York City was something I had dreamed of since I can remember, really, yet getting here and being here was harder than I had anticipated. From the first time I visited New York as a child in 2002, the city had captivated me. There was something about its hustle, its sprawling expanse, the grit of people who lived there, and the possibilities that it contained within it that filled me with a longing to live there one day. For a couple of years now I had discerned moving to New York and had asked God often what He wanted for me to do. While spending time with Him in silence one day, only one word kept coming into my mind - “Wait.” Wanting to listen to Him – although not understanding why I needed to wait – I tried to keep trusting in His timing and working on building a life where I was.

One evening, about two years before I moved to NYC, I decided to attend Mass at the church across the street from my apartment. This was my first time at this church, and afterwards I was invited to a bible study group that was just being formed for young adult Catholic females. I was shocked at the generosity of this girl to invite me to her bible study – and to her home, no less – considering that I had just met her. Yet she seemed to genuinely want me to come, so I showed up, feeling nervous and anxious, having no idea what to expect.

That bible study was my first encounter with a group of strong women – and later some amazing men – who would become my community over the next two years. From the moment I walked into that first meeting, I was welcomed. The other girls and I sat down together with our coffee and tea and all had the same thing to say, “This group is exactly what we have been praying for and needed.” Acknowledging right off the bat that we were looking for strong community, we were able to open up to each other and become fast friends.

As we dove into the Word together over coffee, I felt excited to hear what these women would have to teach me about living out the Bible in daily life nowadays. As we praised Jesus in adoration followed by conversations over a local craft beer, I felt gratitude for God leading me to this community. My church and my heart were vibrant, alive, and blooming in a way that I had barely dared to dream of before, dear sisters. One day, when I sat outside on a friend’s porch in the summer breeze, laughing and talking with a group of other young adult Catholics while munching on some snacks, I felt truly at home and happy, free to be myself, and inspired to grow in my faith.

I felt like all the pieces of my life were falling into place - I had found belonging in this Catholic community, purpose and confidence in my career, a great Catholic therapist to grow with, and a greater conviction for my faith. Although I had so many reasons to stay and wonderful people in my life, I discerned moving to New York City yet again. I loved the life I was living, yet I still felt my dream of experiencing life in New York longing to be realized. I was torn between the two possibilities and the conflicting directions my life could take - to stay or to move was the question.

During the course of taking this enormous potential life change to God in prayer, one quote remained foremost in my thoughts: “The world offers you comfort. But you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness.” The life I was living was fulfilling and comfortable. The life I could live in New York was unknown except for one fact - that it would be uncomfortable and challenging. Yet the more I contemplated the discomfort of moving, the more I felt peace. Rather than the racing heartbeat and sweaty palms that accompanied fear, I felt a weight off my chest and the ability to breathe deeply. This inner calm in the midst of a million questions - much like a large boulder in the midst of a rapid river - was God asking me to trust Him, to give my life to Him. So I said yes and left it all behind, moving halfway across the country.

I sat in adoration that hot summer night, feeling incredibly alone, I had no idea why He had called me to leave my life behind and move. The sacrifice I had made felt too big, the ache in my heart created by leaving my friends behind felt too painful. What was His will in all this? Staring at the Eucharist, the words came into my head “God alone. God alone.”

Moving meant not only a sacrifice of my comfort, but also of companionship. Attending Catholic young adult events once meant entering a church or a bar to the sight of entirely familiar faces, the sound of cheerful voices greeting me, and the touch of friends as we welcomed each other with hugs. For a while after moving, my attendance at Catholic young adult events was still frequent, but quieter. Empty of familiarity and void of personal touch. I began to look first at the tabernacle or monstrance when I entered a church, as the body of Jesus was the only body I recognized. Strangers around me would greet their friends, but all there was for me was silence and the chance to listen for the voice of Jesus. This silence is where His will is revealed to me.

His will is not revealed to us all at once, but slowly and in pieces. That day in adoration soon after my move, a small piece was revealed to me that God desires for me to pursue Him alone. My “fiat” to God’s call for me to move to New York and my subsequent utter dependence on God in a new city taught me the beauty of finding my belonging in Him and of the necessity of pursuing Him first and foremost. Running after pursuit of Him has led me to experiencing the utter chaos and joy of teaching first graders about the Catholic faith, getting to know amazing members of religious life by serving side-by-side with them, and learning more about Church teachings than I ever knew before. His will is new and exciting for me every day as I open myself up to the discomfort and the unknown of the opportunities He has been placing in front of me in this new city.

No sacrifice is too large or scary to make in order to follow the will of God, dear sisters. You may feel that He is asking you to give up too much, that you cannot possibly handle the changes He is calling you to make, that you will only be unhappy if you do give it up, but this is all a lie. Jesus in all His mercy will provide you with the grace and strength you need to endure in your sacrifice if it is to follow Him and you will find joy.

Do not mourn the life you must leave behind. Our God has such wild and wonderful plans for each of us that come to be only as we live out our fiat to Him. Embrace the uncomfortable journey of sacrifice and change. Lift up your arms in praise to Him as you think you cannot possibly do this, that leaving it all behind was a terrible mistake. Praise Him for the future plans He has yet to unveil to you and for the extraordinary gift of knowing that when you leave it all behind, He remains, and He is all you need.

Listen to Him and say YES!, dear sisters, and I will pray for you as you do.

Laura