Letter from MaryClare Lally

Dear Reader,

One of our Lord’s most remarkable qualities is His ability to bring positive results from negative events. Saint Ignatius, for example, suffered a brutal injury on the battlefield. During his rehab, he had his conversion. Blessed Chiara Badano was diagnosed with a terminal illness, which the Lord used as an opportunity to show her witness. Saint Maria Goretti was brutally assaulted and stabbed, which the Lord used as an opportunity for her to show radical forgiveness.

In 2017 the Lord used an unexpected event to radically change the course of my life.

I was twenty-six years old and suffering from the end of an unhealthy relationship. Though my ex was never cruel or abusive to me, he simply lacked the emotional virtue to sustain a healthy relationship. It was as though he wanted to have me all to himself, but only on his terms. He wanted to have me around, but didn’t really want me.

I knew in the depths of my heart that I was deeply dissatisfied. I knew I was made for more. The Enemy took my desire for authentic love and twisted it with false perceptions of my own self-worth. Rather than simply communicating my feelings or ending the relationship myself, I convinced myself that my unhappiness was my own fault and that I had to “earn” the authentic love I desired.

Subconsciously, I used the bad relationship I was accepting as a way of punishing myself for being less materially successful. I told myself I needed to be thinner, wealthier, more intelligent, more educated, and more successful in my career. Then my relationship would bear the love I was aching for. My choleric side channeled my unfulfilled desires into attempts at being thinner, wealthier, more intelligent, and more educated. My productivity at my job, in the gym, at my side business, and in my graduate program were off the charts during this season of my life. My heart was aching for an authentic, sacrificial, all-in kind of love, but I ignored the ache.

I felt abject, vapid, and dirty after staying in the sub-par relationship for nearly a year, only to experience its abrupt end for a vague reason. I was repulsed for choosing to be in the relationship in the first place, let alone stay in it for as long as I did. My repugnant feelings of guilt were a catalyst for shameful memories of the end of a similar relationship with a similar person years prior. The parallels between the experiences were earth-shattering. The avenues of both men in both situations caused me to question whether I was lovable. I wondered if I had some disordered desire for unhealthy, one-sided relationships.

Upon the end of my most recent relationship, I struggled to eat or sleep due to feelings of remorse that preoccupied my mind. I did not have a great support system, as all my close friends lived hours away from me. Feelings of isolation and helplessness clouded my mind. As I tried to cope with the loss, the Evil One used this opportunity to get inside my head. “You are too much. You are unattractive. You are the only woman who has ever experienced this. You are not loved. Your temperament is too intense for anyone to handle. No one will love you in your brokenness. Just give up.”

On December 8, 2017, The Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I had a pivotal encounter with the Lord. I sat in the pew, overworked and exhausted. I brought my feelings to the Lord, laid them at his feet, and prayed, “Lord, I feel like the scum of the earth. I’m not sure how I got here. I ask that you take this and make it beautiful.”

Suddenly, I gazed up at the crucifix and was hit by an overwhelming sense of unconditional love and acceptance. I finally felt the all-in, sacrificial love I was made for. I finally believed I was loved beyond my mistakes. It was as though Jesus shook me and said “Look at my hands and my side! You matter to me. Period. You settled for that relationship because you saw yourself as a low-value person. I want to tell you that is a lie from the pit of Hell. You do not need to feel this way anymore! I humbled myself enough to take the form of bread because I love you and I want you to receive me daily. I want to be intimately close with you. You are mine.”

My twenty-six years of Catholic education and catechism finally made sense in this moment. I prepared myself to run toward the King of Kings. Due to the end of my relationship, I had acquired a great deal of free time, which I used to study my faith. I shifted from spending time on Netflix and social media to reading the Catechism. I started to study the lives of the Saints and emulate them. For the first time, my faith was my first priority and the Lord was my one true love.

My encounter was the perfect way to ring in 2018. I started attending daily Mass and weekly adoration. I began to look inside myself and see visible changes. My life was no longer for myself, but for the Lord. My gifts were not mine, but the Lord’s to use to serve Him. Adopting this new disposition, I radiated authentic joy.

I heard the song “Yours” by Russell Dickerson when it became popular in January of 2018. This song described my encounter perfectly. “The worst me is just a long-gone memory. You put a new heartbeat inside of me. You make me better than I was before. Thank God I’m Yours.” Listening to these lyrics and realizing the Lord had radically changed my priorities in order for me to be better than I was before was extraordinary.

In February of 2018, I visited a dear friend in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. She exclaimed that I seemed different, glowing in a way she had not seen since we were teenagers. Tears filled my eyes as I replied “I’m convicted. The Lord loves me and that is all that matters. If I saw my ex-boyfriend, I would run towards him and cry ‘My dear brother in Christ! Thank you for making me fall in love with the Lord!’ He would probably wonder if I was under the influence of something because I was never this ecstatic when we were dating.” My friend laughed with joy as she realized the Lord had used a negative event for something beautiful.

My “yes” to a radical life for Christ in my mid-twenties has been challenging and worthwhile. Though I have had to sacrifice some relationships with individuals who rebuke my lifestyle of unashamed devotion to Christ, the Lord has provided a myriad of beautiful new friends who are striving for virtue. I have had to sacrifice some of my former lifestyle choices, but the Lord has provided new and wholesome ways for me to enjoy life. I have rearranged my weekly schedule to ensure I receive the Eucharist daily if possible. The Lord has provided the opportunity for me to receive Him almost every day, which I would not trade for anything. When you live your life for the Lord, it is a cross. When you pick up your cross, He always provides. He takes your pain and makes it beautiful.

To my sisters who are suffering from any kind of loss, guilt, or shame: Ask Him to take your suffering and make it beautiful. Regardless of where you've been, what you've done, or how you've settled, our Lord is crazy in love with you. He desires intimacy with you right now, just as you are. He wants to heal you and can make your sufferings beautiful.

Sincerely,

MaryClare

About the Writer: MaryClare Lally

MaryClare Lally is a young professional residing in the quaint mountain town of Flagstaff, AZ. She is an avid lover of Jesus, authentic community, black coffee, and intellectual conversation. In her spare time, MC can be found volunteering in her parish, teaching fitness classes, or hiking in one of Arizona’s outdoor hot spots. Those who know her well describe MC as “careful but carefree”-an accurate description of her meticulous approach to life, with room for the Lord to work in his awe-inspiring ways.