Discovering the Truth of Who I Am
Interview with Kaitlyn Callahan
Part Three from our “Freedom from Comparison” Series
Introduction
We are beloved. There is nothing we can do to earn or lose this inherent truth. However, it can be difficult to live this truth in our daily lives –especially in a world filled with ever new and constant demands and influences that require so much of us, to be more: more accomplished, more fit, more popular. In fact, sometimes, we’ll look up and find ourselves stuck in the false reality we have created for ourselves instead of living into the belovedness He desires for us.
Whether we’re trying to lose weight, be noticed for our Instagram posts, or make it look like we have a perfectly fulfilling life, we’re constantly striving to be “better,” when we should be aspiring to be made whole.
When comparison strikes, we limit our capacity to engage our belovedness –to love and to be loved. We cannot give of ourselves when we fail to recognize who we are. Likewise, we cannot fully receive the gift of another. We pray these interviews help bring you into an ongoing conversation about a very familiar issue. Freedom from comparison can be a lifelong battle for many of us, but in spending our lives remembering who God is to us, He’ll remind us who we are to Him.
Interview with Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn Callahan is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville. She loves her fiance, writing poetry, morning coffee conversations, and basking in the beautiful great outdoors. You can always find her somewhere between Chipotle and your nearest adoration chapel (but Instagram is probably quicker! @kaitlynmariecallahan).
It’s safe to say that our own wounds and insecurities may, from time to time, springboard us into the world of envy and comparison. What is your experience with this? What role has social media played in it all?
This past year I found myself in a vulnerable head and heart space. I began comparing myself to people on social media without even realizing it. I only noticed that I was doing this when I had trouble feeling happy about the success of even my closest friends, almost as if I had trained my mind to put myself down even in the face of the people who love me the most. When I did this, I isolated myself more. It seemed like I couldn’t escape the idea that everyone was thriving except for me, and even worse, that God had forgotten about his promise of abundant life for me. These lies arise from a gap - an absence of goodness and affirmation. So I grasped for affirmation and fulfillment in places that ultimately cannot satisfy: social media, my fiance, shopping, the idea of my “perfect wedding day,” or from venting to friends. I found that when I did this, however, I was ignoring the gaping hole in my heart. Similar to when you have a hole in your pocket, and no matter how often you try to fill it, everything still gets lost anyway.
Social media, though not an evil in itself, is prime ground for comparison. The lie of “I don’t measure up,” and “I don’t have any gifts,” or even worse, “I must have missed my calling!” have entered my heart from the unhappy, endless scroll of believing “what I see” vs. “who I really am.” Every day I see other Catholic women with creative platforms and inspiring words, or with a helpful hobby that they turned into a side hustle. I see other beautiful women with the attractive hair or skin that I want. I see people with 5 year plans when I don’t even know what I’m eating for dinner that night. I see women settling down and having kids when I just postponed my wedding. I see people with what seems like their life is all together, or that they never fight with their significant other… while I’m over here feeling so unfulfilled in my work, yelling at the man I love the most, and unable to accept even the good reality of where I’m at.
But hey, God didn’t call me to be someone else, He’s made me to be me. I’m significant because I am His. I have learned that I need to own who I am. I needed to start making a habit of asking the question, as cheesy as it sounds, “God, how have you called me to love? How can I accept and love myself even here?” Because if I can’t love myself, how will I love my neighbor?
What is your history with physical and or nonphysical traits or aspects of yourself that you dislike or have always had trouble accepting or use as a motive to compare? How aware are you of these tendencies and what tactics do you use to combat them?
A physical trait I’ve always had a hard time accepting is my “littleness.” (You can imagine, then, how redeeming St. Thèrése’s little way has been!) I am small in stature and naturally soft spoken. I struggle with this because it is often the thing that people see first. Sometimes, when I meet people, I have a hard time letting my fun personality loose right from the get-go, and because of that, I am often afraid that I am immediately written off by strangers or future employers as “weak,” “inauthentic,” or “uninteresting.” It’s ironic because I know that, in reality, it is often my gentleness, authenticity, and approachability that draws people to me the most.
The nonphysical aspect of myself that I have the most trouble accepting is how quick I am to anger. There are many different reasons for this, and I have actually only started healing from it recently. Being made to feel small is very hard for me. Sometimes I act out of my hurt by wanting to exert myself in being heard and seen. This spirals me into pity parties with a habit of screaming out, “I do matter!” in various ways.
I realized the need to be gentle with myself and make good habits of self-love. For instance, looking in the mirror and speaking bold truth about my identity. I realized that I need to hold my head high, with my shoulders back, and remember that God has me where he wants me. I’ve realized that in the morning or at night I can thank God for His blessings before my mind starts racing (and pray for the grace to be a blessing, too!). Ultimately, sisters, we can’t keep waiting around for others to tell us those things that we really need to hear. It's up to us to close our eyes, drown out every other noise, and listen for the voice of the Good Shepherd.
When I pay attention to where my heart is hurting, I am participating in Christ’s desire for me to have freedom. It's encouraging to me, ironically, that comparison comes. Now that I know the truth about who I am, it only makes sense that the Enemy would do whatever it takes to derail me from believing it. I know that there is a battle for my heart, but I also know Who's already won. When I accept and love myself as Jesus does, immense freedom comes.
Reading the lives of the Saints helps with discouragement, too. By their witness, I am reminded that what I offer to God actually matters. It takes a mind-shift toward Truth. I’ve had to set up boundaries with people or in order to uproot false ways of thinking by asking myself, “Where do these insecurities really stem from?” Sometimes when people tell me, “Just abide and He will show you the way,” I am tempted to scoff because this feeling of insignificance doesn’t just “go away” when I kneel in Church, make the perfect resume, or snap my fingers. However, when I let myself be loved where my heart actually is (and not where I wish it was) insecurity has only been a springboard into greater graces. It takes a hard look sometimes, but it’s worth it.
How has/does your Faith help(ed) you encounter this part of yourself and overcome your skewed perception of them?
When the Evil One tries to tell me that I am lacking, I remember that I am worthy. Christ is sufficient, and he is worthy of being trusted until the end. I’ve had to ask myself, “What is the pace that I am moving through life with?” I have to quiet my heart and let Him lead me to peace. In my struggle with comparison I have found LOTS of freedom in the Sacrament of Confession. As you can probably see, the most common “fruit” of my struggle with comparison has been a belief that “I am insignificant,” and because of that, it has caused deep cycles of grief. I know many struggle with Confession, but it is rarity for me to still feel insignificant when Christ’s arms are wide open to forgive me in the Sacrament. There is a rich understanding that I can rest content, knowing that I am loved, and be encouraged to get back up again because Christ rejoices in me. It gives me eyes to see how I can rejoice with others in that same way, too.
Through the beauty of the faith, I have learned the importance of celebrating the life of every person. Even though I know this, sometimes it can still be very hard for me to rejoice in certain truths of who I am. However, I’ve learned that it’s easier to conquer my flaws when I disassociate myself from them. I can look at my flaws and say, “I may struggle with this, but it’s not who I am.” Even then, though, I have to remember that I am not responsible for my own sanctification. That’s why returning to the Source of Life in the Sacrament is so important.
That’s why I also turn to Mary, Our Blessed Mother, the perfect woman, and strive to imitate how astounded she was at the beauty that she found within herself. Her Magnificat is all about rejoicing in who she is! That first line is so powerful to me, “My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord.” Sometimes I find myself repeating this line over and over again.
Talk a little bit about the need to have good and holy friendships that allow both parties to genuinely celebrate the other’s gifts, talents, and successes.
I keep learning the lesson that “My words matter.” When Elizabeth encountered Mary she exclaimed, “Blessed are you!” I want my words to reach toward the Heavens with affirmation, encouragement, and lightheartedness, too. I struggle because sometimes it isn’t always this way. That’s why it is so important to have holy friends that can help us on the journey.
Last year I served as a Full Time Missionary with Life Teen and lived with 6 other women in a house called “Visitation.” Naturally, our spirituality was founded on rejoicing in each other. It brought immense healing to always be embraced for better or for worse.
I now serve at a Catholic Shrine as a sacred art tour guide. One of the mosaic pieces is of the Visitation! When I present it, part of the narrative I say to everyone is, “Pay close attention. These two women have unique gifts from the Lord. Notice how their arms are open wide to receive each other. They know that one woman's gift is not the other woman's lack! They are joyful because they know that by embracing their individual gifts of grace, their salvation is at hand. The same is true for us in our relationships with each other, but do we let it be so?”
What is your experience with friendships that both lacked and flourished in this area? What did you learn in going through them? How evident was the Lord’s pursuit of your heart in them and how did His presence make these experiences worth it?
[...]Jesus meant for us to come alive in community. That even when we are weak, we can be strong in Him together. I can see the Lord’s merciful heart pursuing me when my friends love me even when I’m at my weakest. In terms of comparison, I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to be honest with them. I can say to them, “I’m tempted to feel jealous of you because (blank),” and they will thank me for my vulnerability. They will listen patiently and affirm my goodness. Freedom, am I right? They will even pray with me! I always expect rejoicing from them. It is a gift that they are ready to receive me in this way. I can look at a sister and say, “She is beautiful in (blank) way. That only edifies us because we are all one body.” Unity in vulnerability is a special strength for women. I pray that this can be true for all friendships between women
How has accepting or coming to more greatly understand that our belovedness is an inherent reality of who we are, is something that we could never earn nor lose, changed your life? How has it directly affected your relationship with God, as well as how you encounter both yourself and others?
You hit the nail on the heart. Accepting my belovedness as an inherent reality of who I am, not something that I could ever win or lose, is the biggest gift of grace I’ve ever received. I think about the Prodigal Son. I think about how the Father never stopped waiting for his son to return home. We know this because He scanned that hillside night and day, and when His son finally returned, He didn’t hesitate to run. He didn’t hesitate to embrace him. He didn’t hesitate to put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet, with the finest robe on his back. He didn’t hesitate to give him a feast when he was famished. He didn’t hesitate. That’s who God is. Do we live like we have this kind of royal inheritance? Royals don’t work to gain approval - worth runs through their veins. Because of this, I have a confident peace. I am not a slave! I am a daughter.
I say, “I am not worthy, I should be working harder for this. I’ll even eat the pig’s food.” But the Father says to me, “Don’t you see? Everything I have is yours,” and “Come to life again. You have been found.”
Sisters, we are unrelentingly loved in this way. And again, when I’m the Older Brother stuck in my hurt, comparing myself, in disbelief at the Father’s generosity with others and screaming out, “What about me?!” The Father gently pursues me saying, “Everything I have is yours.” He gives and He gives and He gives. He quite literally has no idea what else to do. He is the Giver of Life. I’m called to receive this kind of love. I am called to BE this kind of love by pursuing the beloved like this. I am worthy to come to the wedding feast and so is everyone else. I am strong. I am made good. I am a queen in His Kingdom. I am lacking in nothing. This has changed everything. This love is the strongest examination of my every intention. It helps me view life in its proper way: abundance. It has enabled me to tread upon the heights. It has become the one standard, mission, and hope for my life: that when I receive others, they would receive Him. And together, we can share His joy.
This interview was compiled and edited by Ashley Hinojosa