Trusting in God’s Sustenance
Letter from Robyn Dean
Photo by Chelsey Shortman
Dear Sister in Christ,
Holding our 9-month old daughter who weighed less than thirteen pounds, I prayed that God would send us to the right doctors. I prayed for her healing and placed her on the altar with Isaac, hoping for a resurrection. I had to trust that God would bring us through whatever happened, although my heart ached for her to be healed. She was His daughter too, after all.
My husband and I had been married for 10 years when Maria Lauren was born just after Easter. She was a full term baby and healthy with dark hair like her father. She also had an ear-piercing cry that echoed through the entire house along our tiled floors. My mother and mother-in-law were both sure to point out that both my husband and I had cried just like her and promised that it would go away with time. Her older brother, Tyler, age five, was surprised at her loud crying but loved her all the same. I was so grateful to hold her after having lost two previous pregnancies. All the prayer during and prior to her pregnancy prepared me for the arduous journey that lay ahead in finding a diagnosis. Eventually the crying diminished...and a few months later the weight problems began.
At four months, the doctor noted that she weighed the same as she had at her 2-month checkup. The same thing occurred at her 5-month checkup and 6-month checkup despite offering solids, additional milk feedings, and high calorie foods. I googled “Infant anorexia” and “Infant refusing to eat” and wondered if I was over-reacting. When she still weighed around twelve pounds at her 7-month checkup, I began charting every time she nursed and filled a notebook with all the food that I offered her. Food that later went in the garbage, untouched. I was afraid that authorities would accuse me of child neglect and already noticed the suspicious questions and glances from her pediatrician. I made appointments with other pediatricians. One ran various tests and one horrified us by showcasing her as an example of “an infant without body fat” to medical students. None offered any solution to our predicament. She was simply diagnosed “Failure to Thrive”.
At 9-months, we saw our sixth pediatrician who finally acknowledged that we needed help and made us appointments with specialists. I continued to pray and stumbled on a verse in the book of Psalms that encouraged me that God knew all that was going on and was with us, “...as silver refined in fire, purified seven times” (Psalm 12:6). The trial we were enduring was for purification. I did not feel any holier, yet knew that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28). Two days later we saw a GI-specialist who looked at my feeding log and touched my hand with a knowing smile, saying that she knew what was wrong. She diagnosed Maria Lauren with Infant Gerd or acid reflux. She described it to us saying that Maria Lauren’s ear piercing cry in her early months of life was from severe acid reflux. In order to diminish her pain, she had learned to only eat a little at a time. She associated food with pain and there was nothing we could do to convince her to eat on her own. She only ate enough to take the edge off of her hunger but could not grow hair or grow at all. She was now in a downward spiral of starving herself to death. We left her office and went directly to the hospital where Maria Lauren received a feeding tube and Prevacid. I breathed a prayer of Thanksgiving and even recognized the priest who came to visit us and pray with us in the hospital. After one week, she gained a pound and pulled herself up for the first time. Her whining disappeared and a contented smile spread across her pale, thin face. We still had a long journey ahead.
In order to ensure that she had all the calories she needed to grow along with additional calories to “catch-up” for her lack of growth, I was told to stop nursing so everything could be measured. Instead of being able to hold her and gaze into her eyes or stroke her face, I had to place her in a secured chair where the feeding tube could pump nutrition into her while she pushed food around on a tray. We began seeing a feeding therapist to help her take more bites naturally but often left a session with only five cheerios being eaten. We moved her crib into our bedroom so she could receive nutrition all night long and we could monitor the long chord that often wrapped around her neck as she turned through the night. Six months into night feedings, I heard a choking sound around 2 am. I flew from the bed and grabbed her but she was struggling to breath. The feeding tube was coming out of her mouth! My husband took over and removed it by pulling it out at its entrance in her nose. She started coughing but was okay.
Days later we were in the hospital so they could place a G-tube for feedings as we waited for her to learn to eat on her own. A year of feeding tube treatments during the day and through the night brought us to a program for kids with eating problems where we worked with experts who dealt with kids that pushed away bottles, cups, and bites on spoons. Mealtimes turned into games and innovative play that was directed by Maria Lauren’s ability to take bites or drinks from a straw. For example, the ball popper that she wanted to play with could come off the shelf if she ate 3 cheerios. Every time she wanted to push the button and make it go, she needed to eat a few bites. I had hoped to leave the program “tube free” and cured but rather I had a set of tools from amazing feeding therapists that would encourage her to eat on her own. It was then that my husband disclosed what was on his heart. “Robyn, I know it sounds impossible...but I hear God calling me to be a doctor.” We had just returned from a month-long program in learning how to feed Maria Lauren, and now he felt called to change his career! All the prayers, Bible reading and conversations that had come from our journey with Maria Lauren taught us to be totally dependent on God and to trust Him with our lives.
We went to Mass and the Holy Spirit spoke profoundly to us both. I heard the Gospel come to life with the words “Sell everything and follow me.” We met with a spiritual adviser. Every time I opened the Bible, the words were dramatic calls of leaving and going from Abraham, Moses, and Jesus. Finally, God sealed his plan with the story of the woman whose child had died but Elisha had raised him up. How could we say, “No”? We sold our custom home business, custom home, and numerous possessions. We moved in with my husband’s parents for two years while Michael attended prerequisite classes for medical school and I began a Masters in Theology. To the amazement of us all, the feeding therapy techniques worked miracles and three months after leaving the program, Maria Lauren was able to come off her feeding tube. When the pediatrician saw her a year later, he did a double take and did not recognize her. She had fully recovered and was at the 50th percentile for weight and height. Praise the Lord!
Handwritten quote from the writer
Maria Lauren’s illness led me to search deeply for God. I hungered and thirsted for Him as described in Psalm 63. My theology classes gave me the sustenance I needed to survive the subsequent challenges of life - more miscarriages, medical school and residency. I learned that the Eucharist is necessary sustenance for survival. However, if the only time with God is once a week at Sunday Mass, I will be spiritually alive, but cannot attain the growth and potential that God desires. I would be like Maria Lauren who remained at a constant weight but could not grow. I could even run the risk of being a spiritual “Failure to Thrive.” Through the experience of nearly losing her, I learned that I needed to partake of the Word of God. I needed to frequent the Sacraments. I needed to read spiritual books and surround myself with spiritual friendships that challenged me to go deeper and helped me to see God working in my life, especially during times of suffering. I needed to move from drinking milk to eating solids as St. Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 3:
Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it.
My prayer for you, dear reader, is to cultivate a spiritual life where you can move from milk to solid food. You could begin by spending some quiet time alone with God each day; reading the Bible or praying or both. Or perhaps join a Bible Study or ministry at your parish. Or see if you could attend a daily Mass or spend some time in adoration. Look for ways that God is inviting you to drink deeply from his life-giving well. Every little morsel of time that we give to God not only nourishes us but can be vital, life-giving nourishment to others. Our Church needs well nourished members that know how to feed themselves and others. One of my favorite Christian songs from Casting Crowns says “We were made to more than just survive - we were made to THRIVE!”
God bless you!
Robyn
About the Writer: Robyn Dean is a homeschooling mother of four. She has been married for over 20 years. She graduated from Duke University and went on to earn her Masters in Theology at the Augustine Institute while her husband attended medical school. She currently lives in the mountains of North Carolina. She volunteers as a catechist and singer at her parish. She also has a love for the stage and was thrilled to perform as Mary Poppins at a local theatre. With a passion for teaching Sacred Scripture, Robyn is a public speaker giving retreats and talks to various parishes and groups.
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