Learning to Trust in God After Letting Go of My First Love
Letter from Katryn Lopez
Photo by Zhenzhong Liu
Dear sisters in Christ,
Growing up, one of the people I admired the most was my mom. Her character, her faith, her relationship with my dad—if I wanted to be like anyone on this Earth, it would be my mom. Most of all, I dreamed of having a marriage like hers.
My mom’s first and last boyfriend was my dad. She patiently waited and remained single until she was 35 years old. Although as a teenager I always had my head in a cheesy young adult romance novel, my image of a beautiful relationship and a beautiful marriage reflected my parents’ marriage. I wanted that. I wanted my first love to be my last; my first love to be my best friend. My first love to be as in love with Jesus and the Catholic faith as I was. I carried this dream all throughout high school.
When I graduated high school, I was still praying for a relationship, but in my heart I knew that I needed to strengthen my personal relationship with Jesus and find joy in singleness. I did not want to be waiting for a man to “lead me to God.” I didn’t want to wait for someone to go to daily mass with me, to encourage me to go to adoration, or to remind me to pray the rosary. I wanted to just be with Him. I also prayed for virtuous friendships, for fellow brothers and sisters to journey to Heaven with me. Like He often does, God answered my prayers in a surprising way.
Many of my friends from high school moved away for college, but a few of us had stayed in our hometown. Since many of my close friends had moved away, I drew closer to my friends in youth ministry. In this way, God blessed me with the most honest, loving, God-fearing man and one of the most beautiful, humbling friendships I have ever encountered. Though I had known him all throughout high school, we never had been close until he joined youth ministry. I longed to give and share my heart with someone and this man that God put into my life was the most unexpected thing. It was the kind of love that I knew that I wanted to cherish and protect at all cost. Everything clicked for me. This had to be the man I was waiting for. After two years of close friendship, we started dating. I convinced myself that this was the man that God wanted me to marry. I felt so sure of my desires and my feelings and I held a tight grip on my plan. I wasn’t prepared at all for God to have a different plan for my relationship than the one I imagined.
Within barely a month of us dating, I was confronted with this different plan. My boyfriend at the time was discerning the priesthood, and I was overcome with anxiety at the thought of this. I wanted what was best for him and wanted him to follow God’s plan, but I was scared that I was going to lose him along with all our plans for us. He continued discerning; we continued dating. I longed to be selfish. I wanted to ignore the nagging, anxious feeling in my heart and thoughts of God’s plan and just choose my plan and my vision. I was frustrated that I could love someone so deeply, yet possibly not be called to marriage with him.
When I prayed, I told God that I trusted in Him, but in my heart, He and I knew the truth—I was terrified. I was teetering on the edge, afraid to jump into the unknown. I was confused why God was causing me to suffer. I often cried and asked Him, “Why? Why would you bless me with this man and show me everything just to take it away?” Kneeling in church, praying in Adoration, He replied, “Trust me. Keep your eyes on me and know that your heart is in my hands.”
When I spend time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, gazing upon Him, reminded of His great love and sacrifice, I also think of His Sacred Heart. His Sacred Heart that yearns for each one of us-that yearns for me. The Sacred Heart that knew so much pain and suffering and sorrow yet felt such an awe-inspiring, all-consuming love for me. It’s the same Sacred Heart that wanted to take my fragile heart and grant me peace. In those moments where I cried out to Him, I realized He was hurting too and He heard my cries. He hated to see me sad, but He knew the plans He had for me would bring joy that would overshadow all sorrow.
My parents’ marriage was my ideal. It was my ideal not only because my mother waited patiently and trusted in God’s perfect timing, but also because I can witness their love through the sacrifices they make for each other. When my parents first dated, my father was not a practicing Catholic. My mom discerned for a long time if God truly wanted her to be with someone who did not yet have a strong faith. However, she was reminded that God loved her and my dad both, and in sacrificing her vision for her future spouse, God would take that small seed of trust and turn it into a garden of beauty. Their love is beautiful not because it is perfect, but because of the way they continue to choose to love one another through suffering and in spite of suffering.
Handwritten quote from the writer
Romans 8:28, says “all things work together for good to those who are called according to His purpose.” Isn’t this beautiful? All things work for the good. When my boyfriend and I broke up, this was the verse that carried me through. I knew that God was telling me that my love and sacrifices were not wasted. I knew that I was called to a greater purpose, which was to love unceasingly despite suffering. That deep love also knows deep suffering.
I knew truly loving this man meant being willing to walk with him and journey with him as a friend, even if it meant admitting my plan for myself wasn’t God’s plan. Letting go of my dream and my first love was hard, but in surrendering my first love to God, I trusted that God loved him more than I did. In surrendering my own heart, I was reminded that one of our biggest examples of great love is God giving us His only son and that son dying for our sins. In surrendering my will, I was truly saying to God that I believed in the good of His purpose within ALL things.
Gratefully and Lovingly His,
Kat
About the Writer: Katryn Lopez is a 3rd year college student living in Northern California. She is currently an English major, looking forward to a possible future as a high school teacher. Her desire to become a high school teacher stems from her love for youth ministry and years in her youth group, Couples for Christ-Youth. Her youth drive her nuts sometimes, but her little sisters and brothers in Christ never fail to bring her joy. Outside her youth group and school, she’s most typically found painting, annoying her best friend, or happily waiting in a Chick-fil-a drive-thru for a sweet tea.
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