Life After Loss: Discovering the Next Chapter of Motherhood After Several Miscarriages
Letter from Cassie Everts
Photo by Chelsey Shortman
Dear Beloved Sisters in Christ,
There I sat staring at my laptop, hitting refresh every few seconds without giving the screen much time to reload. The nerves ran through me, the anxiety clenched my heart and the fear of the uncertainty was almost paralyzing as I waited.
I was pregnant with my third baby, but still not a child in my arms. Five weeks of carrying this precious soul and holding onto a thread of hope that perhaps this would be the one. The one whose heartbeat I would see beating strong, the one who would cause my belly to grow, the one who after nine months I would hold in my arms and cradle with sweet lullabies.
One test result that would tell me the fate of my precious little one. Numbers that may seem arbitrary to others, but for me it meant the world. I knew what my hormone levels needed to be at to confirm that my baby was still alive and growing. There it was: a new test result. My hand almost shaking as I clicked on the link. Then instant tears streaming down my face. My body clutched with sobbing. Hurt, pain, sadness and anger filled me.
How could this be happening again? We did everything right. We sought the best medical help, everything in line with the Catholic Church. Surgery after surgery, appointment after appointment and too many tests and blood draws to even count. We prayed, pleaded and I even begged God. Novenas, rosaries, Masses said and candles lit. I cried out, “God, where are you! Why are you not hearing my prayers? Are you even there anymore? Why again, I cannot do this any longer!”
We said goodbye to our third baby during Holy Week. As we thought of Christ’s suffering, we offered our baby Simon to help ease Our Lord’s pain. Entering into the Holy Triduum, my own cross seemed unbearable to carry as I thought of Jesus carrying His. I begged God to comfort me, to show me that I was not abandoned at the cross. My life felt like Good Friday. The pain, sorrow and loss stuck on repeat. Would I ever experience the joy of Easter Sunday?
One year later we lost our sweet Cecilia, our fourth baby. As difficult as the loss and grief was I was in no way prepared for the news I would receive one month later. While vacationing with my family, my doctor, the founder of NaPro Technology and the Pope Paul IV Institute, called me. Words that I will never forget, words that pierced my very being, “I am sorry there is nothing more I can do for you.” I collapsed into my husband’s arms as soon as the phone call ended. Dreams gone, my world shaken.
It was that defining moment, the one that literally brought me to my knees. The hope of seeing my belly grow, the excitement in setting up a nursery, the nights spent awake deliberating over names and the insurmountable joy as I held my newborn for the first time. All of it gone in an instant. The childhood days filled with baby dolls and the dream of being a mother, now taken away. All that I longed for and prayed for stripped from me.
The days that followed were incredibly painful, searching for answers and longing to hear God’s voice. As difficult as it was, it was there on my knees that I found peace. For years I was holding on so tightly to my plan, my will. My fists clenched as I tried so hard to not let my dreams slip out of my grip. It was as if God had to take it all from me, even the small glimmer of hope that I would ever be a mother. And when I was brought to that place of it being gone, I could sincerely be open to His will for my life.
My perspective changed as I began to pray and seek God’s will. Still it was not always easy seeing pregnancy announcements, being invited to baby showers and staring into the empty room that was supposed to be a nursery. My prayer simply became, Lord show me your will. Little did I know that His will would take us 5,000 miles away where two little boys would capture my heart in a single breath.
As adopted children of Our Heavenly Father, God was calling my husband and I to that same radical love. Love that is not bound by blood, language, borders or race. A love that transcends a biological connection. It all seemed surreal, filling out the stacks of papers and interviewing with social workers.
The process was not easy, as legal requirements began to change in Ghana, requiring more paperwork, forms and approval. Friends and family began to question whether we were wasting our time and money and perhaps should call it quits. What they didn’t realize was it doesn’t work like that, because it wasn’t just a name, face, or picture. These boys who I had never met were my sons. And while there was no physical growth of my belly, the love in my heart grew stronger for them with each passing day. I couldn’t walk away from them.
Again, everything was out of our hands, but the hand of God was so visible. We covered the entire adoption process in prayer and novenas from the moment we started. There were times when the process seemed to come to a halt and would leave us wondering, but our worry was always met with a confirmation from God. Still, we had no timeline of when we would be able to finally meet our sons and bring them home.
Suddenly things began to fall into place, documents approved, court passed and what at times seemed like a distant dream now looked like it would become a reality. We were given the green light to schedule our visa interview. A couple days after Christmas we boarded a plane, still in disbelief about what was actually happening. Here we were flying to Africa, without knowing anyone or speaking the language. To add to the stress, our last connecting flight was extremely delayed. We did not know if our contact person would still be waiting at the airport to get us.
Still, God’s hand was leading and guiding us. We were able to go to Mass in Ghana before meeting the boys and it happened to be the Feast of the Holy Family. I will never forget that moment when I looked into their eyes, held them in my arms and saw their sweet smiles for the first time. I had to fight back the tears of joy, of gratitude and God’s incredible goodness. For years I was dreaming of this moment and praying for their sweet-hearts and in this moment I began to pray to their guardian angels to cover them with peace.
The day also happened to be my birthday. What an incredible gift. It was as if God was saying, “Cassie I know your heart, I saw your pain and all along I was preparing you for something beautiful.” Ways that were above my ways, plans that surpassed my heart’s longing.
Handwritten quote from the writer
A beautiful tapestry that God was weaving, but for years all I could see was the tangled yarn below. In the moments of silence, God was at work preparing and forming my heart for something new. He had brought me to my knees, stretched me, and called me to a radical trust in His Divine Providence. Eight years of waiting and here was finally the joy of Easter Sunday!
In His unending faithfulness,
Cassie
About the Writer: Cassie Everts is a wife, the mother to five little ones in heaven and five children on earth. She is the co-author of Nursery of Heaven: Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss in the Lives of the Saints and Today's Parents. She is a contributor to Catholic Mom and blogs at Everyday Ann where she writes about faith, motherhood, infertility and adoption. Before becoming a full-time mom, she was a producer at Relevant Radio.
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