I was pregnant with my third baby, but still not a child in my arms. Five weeks of carrying this precious soul and holding onto a thread of hope that perhaps this would be the one.
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When I said yes to marry my fiancé on December 26, 2019, nothing could have prepared me for all the challenges that would come between my engagement and when we say “I do” in December 2020.
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While crying is often seen as a sign of weakness and lack of emotional stability, I believe that showing these strong emotions can make us better reflectors of Jesus.
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Eight months after we got married, I took a pregnancy test at 3 am. It was positive. Although my husband was amazingly supportive of our NFP journey, NFP was my idea. And we weren’t trying to conceive that month! After four hours of panicked Hail Marys, I finally nudged my husband, Taylor, awake (silently sending up one last prayer that he would receive the news well!). He was overjoyed!
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Sisters, through tremendous sorrow, my eyes were opened to the greatest and most selfless true love, shown on the cross of Jesus Christ. My Jesus, who as He was dying was thinking not of Himself, but of others. Of us. Of you. Of me. My Jesus, who loves everyone no matter how blind to Him. I saw that selfless love reflected in my mom, who in her agony kept thinking of others. My mom, who, as she lay dying, was thinking of me
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The consoling knowledge of the “communion of saints” continues to support me on my journey of grief. It is wonderful to know that those that we love need not be dismissed as “dead and gone.” There is the wonderful Reality that life goes on, beyond the grave. I can hope that my dad is “putting in a good word for me” now, that he is currently experiencing reality more fully than the rest of us in the Church here on earth.
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If you’ve lost a child, I need you to know that you’re not alone. Our grief has woven together and we’ve found ourselves a part of this club that no one ever wanted to join. And it sucks, it’s okay to say that. It’s awful and messy and frustrating and ugly — but we’re here together, we’re not alone.
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