Nothing Without God: Finding Faith and Healing Postpartum
Letter from Allison Auth
Photo by Josh Withers
Dear Sisters in Christ,
The moment my motherhood changed was when my fourth child was eleven months old. The other kids were ages 6, 5, and 3. We were all in the kitchen when I lost it on them for what seemed like the hundredth time that morning. And then I saw it: the look of fear in their eyes. I realized my children were afraid of me.
On the outside, I was hanging in there, but on the inside, I felt like I was slowly dying. I was constantly exhausted and my brain was always foggy. Inside me was this smoldering volcano of rage, threatening to erupt at any moment over spilled water on the floor or a toddler who couldn’t find their shoes. Fueling the rage were feelings of anxiety and fear, and that moment in the kitchen proved to me I was no longer in control of any of these emotions.
Now I was sure God was mad at me for the mess I had made of my motherhood, my inability to keep it all together, my lack in my spiritual commitments, and my outbursts of anger. I was even disappointed in myself for being such a bad mom. While looking at the fear in my children’s eyes, grace broke through and I realized I needed help. I immediately called my doctor, and began a journey of physical, emotional, and spiritual healing.
I had seen this doctor two years earlier for anxiety when my third baby was hitting the eleven month mark. It hadn’t occurred to me yet that my struggles were related to postpartum and all the changes that had happened in me after giving birth to three children in such quick succession. She offered me some suggestions such as counseling, medication, exercise, and diet, and I opted to try the exercise and diet route first.
I had made some mediocre changes when I became pregnant for the fourth time, and then diet and exercise went out the window. So here I was after my fourth child in 6 years, and I was a mess. Defeated and humiliated to be back at the doctor with the same problems, I took up the offer for anti-depressants so I could sort out my emotions. Within days, the ball of fire in my belly began to quiet down. I was no longer paralyzed by anxiety, but I knew I had a long way to go to enact the changes I needed to.
Physically, the effects of not taking care of myself had caught up to me. My core was so weak I could barely sit or stand up straight, my hips were so tight I had pain when I walked, and I was wheezing after spending several minutes on the treadmill. So I began a postpartum recovery program to close my diastasis recti, strengthen my pelvic floor, build endurance, and loosen my hip muscles.
Meanwhile, I began to read up on nutrient depletion after having a baby. Once the baby was born, I had not been great at remembering to take my prenatals, but I discovered you need them just as much while nursing as while pregnant! Since the moment of conception, my babies were growing from the vitamins and minerals in my own body. If I was not replenishing my own store, I was not getting enough nutrients for my own hormone production and cellular function. As I began to supplement with extra fish oil, vitamin D, vitamin B, and magnesium, I could tell the difference. My cycles were more regular and my mind was clearer. I realized how interconnected my body and soul are, and that to truly live out my vocation to motherhood, I had to take care of my body as a visible expression of my soul. I began to have hope in my journey to healing.
But there was still an area where life was darker, and that was my interior life. Now that my body was physically improving, I needed to turn attention to my soul. In prayer, I asked God to see myself as He sees me. What I saw were many gnarly branches, wrapped tightly around my spine, signifying the lies that I allowed to penetrate my core – the lies of my failure in motherhood, disgust with my postpartum body, and the disappointment that I felt I was to God. These grotesque deceptions were paralyzing me.
I began to see a spiritual director and started reading St. Faustina’s diary, among other spiritual reading. I confessed my sins, I stopped watching TV on my phone while nursing, and began reading books. Most importantly, I surrendered, and the light began to break through.
One night while I was journaling, I told the Lord that my faith was so weak. He reminded me of the scripture, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9). So I asked myself: What if it’s okay to feel like I’m failing, in order to realize how much I need God, the way my babies need me? What if the whole point of this journey was to recognize that I am nothing without God?
Through this lens, I accepted that God wasn’t asking me to have it all together or be the perfect mother. He was asking for the self-emptying that comes so naturally with babies and postpartum so He could fill that emptiness with His life and His Spirit. When all I could see was disappointment, He saw opportunity.
Finally I said, “God I need you. I can’t do this motherhood thing on my own anymore.” I took the hoarse voice, the nagging anxiety, and guilt of failure and gave it to Him. After I surrendered my weaknesses, I discovered God wasn’t disappointed in my misery. He came to meet me in my misery and bring me out of it! “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.” (John 3:17)
Looking back, the postpartum time was dark. Sure there were great days, but many of the days had a dark cloud over them. The lack of sleep, the night feedings, recovering from the pain of birth, and trying to navigate my marriage and NFP in the midst of all the adjustments: It felt like too much for me to handle. I thought I was the only one struggling and I didn’t know how to ask for help.
I truly believe God allowed me into the darkness in order to reveal to me my dependence on Him. I needed a better sense of community, and some good professional care. And after having accepted God’s mercy into the midst of my messy motherhood, it feels like the light has broken through. I now desire to share what I have learned with other mothers struggling in the same season. I felt God put it on my heart to write a book about my difficult postpartum experiences, and so I did. My prayer is that I can journey with other women, meet them where they are at in their struggles, and point them to truth and healing. It’s a long journey, but one that’s worth it.
As I continue in my own journey, I now see that my identity is not in my parenting skills or how many prayers I pray, but rather in God’s love for me. I’m not striving for perfection anymore; I’m striving for obedience to the tasks God is calling me to, and for love to motivate my actions. Obedience that often looks like getting up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, answering the toddler’s fiftieth question, changing diapers, doing dishes, and uniting my heart to Jesus’ heart through every part of my vocation.
And when I do mess up and fall down, I see myself like a toddler trying to take her first steps. God isn’t disappointed in me; He cheers me for trying and helps me get back up again. Through the struggles, failings, and risings, God is molding me into the woman He created me to be. I pray that you, dear reader, will take hope in the struggles of motherhood, look for healing where you can, and entrust the rest to God’s mercy. He has a plan for you, too, and is with you even in the dark times.
For God’s Greater Glory,
Allison Auth
About the Writer: Allison Auth is a mother and writer who lives in Denver with her husband and four children. She is the author of the book, “Baby and Beyond: Overcoming Those Post-Childbirth Woes” from Sophia Institute Press and is passionate about postpartum issues and recovery. Allison has a Catechetics degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville and loves to tie theology to the practical realities of motherhood. She can be found homeschooling her children, hiking in the Rockies, or building community with other Catholic families in her area.
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