Learning and Loving: A Consecrated Woman and Her Creativity
Letter from Sr. Desiré Anne-Marie Findlay
Photo by Olivia Bauso
To You, a Work of Art by God,
I don’t always share my gifts. Sometimes I let them be just for me - for me and my time with God, or for the times I need to relax and recharge. But sometimes I know that what has been on my mind and heart needs to be released. It needs to express itself in some way specifically so that it can be shared. Those are the times my love for art, dance, and writing is transformed and my gifts are placed at the service of others. Sometimes it’s spontaneous, and sometimes it’s by invitation. This time it was by invitation, and now you and I are exploring a piece of my life through writing.
When I was younger, I would create simply because I could. Art class gave me a place to experiment with different colors, styles, and mediums. At sleepovers, my friends and I would hold dance competitions, and I would choreograph award-winning moves because it was fun and I enjoyed winning. As a teenager, I’d sit down to write a poem because I was angry or in love again. But soon after I moved on to college, it all sort of just stopped. I couldn’t create on-demand anymore. I couldn’t randomly come up with a dance or a poem, and art didn’t really appeal to me. Classes like art history or dance appreciation were a bore and I struggled to keep from dropping them. I had outgrown my carefree use of talent, but I didn’t know what I was looking for instead.
It was at this point I received an invitation that would eventually change the course of my entire life. Vanessa Fonseca - now Dr. Vanessa Fonseca-Chávez - was an adjunct Spanish professor at the University of New Mexico. After taking a couple of courses with her, I decided we should be friends and was very happy to find out that she agreed. Not long afterward, Vanessa told me about a pilgrimage that took place in New Mexico through the Archdiocese of Santa Fe. I grew up Catholic, receiving the Sacraments of Baptism, First Holy Communion, and Confirmation at all the prescribed times, but I didn’t know much about going on a pilgrimage. My faith was mostly lived on the surface. I went to Mass on Sunday’s because I knew I should, but extra things like Adoration, daily Mass, and pilgrimages were not the sort of things I did in my free time.
I said yes to the pilgrimage anyway, mostly because my new friend had invited me, but also because of its distinct cultural appeal. It just so happened that my route had a bonus: two Felician Sisters would be walking with us during the week. I had never heard of their community before, but I quickly learned that they were Franciscan, had been founded over 100 years ago in Poland, and served in various capacities throughout the world. I wanted to know more, so I spoke with these two Felicians every chance I could get. As I got to know them, I loved seeing how different they were. They were so opposite, and so much themselves. It told me that in their community, I wouldn’t have to be like anyone else. I could be myself, too.
When our pilgrimage had ended, I exchanged information with one of the sisters and heard back from them a few weeks later. Having learned that I was a dancer during our many pilgrimage talks, they were wondering if I would dance for an upcoming Jubilee celebration. I had no idea what a Jubilee was, but I was intrigued. They explained that we would be honoring sisters who had been in the convent for 50, 60, even 75 years. My dance, then, would be a way of thanking God for them and their commitment to the consecrated life. I really liked the idea, especially because they said the dance should be something graceful. I was dancing for a D-League basketball team at the time, but I had always cherished my years of dancing ballet. I quickly agreed.
It was the dance I did at this Jubilee celebration that revealed a new depth to my gifts and talents. In this moment of calling others to prayer through dance, I realized that dance could be something more than performance. I had only ever experienced it as fun and entertaining, but now I was seeing that it could be full of meaning. My whole perspective shifted as I realized this is how I had seen all of my gifts - art, dance, writing - I had simply been using them for fun and entertainment. While there was nothing inherently wrong with that, it was admittedly empty. No wonder my creativity streak had run dry.
I didn’t want to squander my gifts anymore. I wanted all of my creativity to have meaning and purpose, and I asked God to extend this to my entire life as well. Soon after that Jubilee celebration, I embarked on a journey that eventually led to my own commitment as a consecrated woman.
Handwritten quote from the writer
I no longer create just to create. When I create now, it is in response to what is happening interiorly. If I sit down to draw a hummingbird, it is because I have been noticing them around lately and am grateful for their gentle and colorful presence. If I choreograph a dance, it is for young women in underprivileged areas, or because I am leading a group in prayer. If my hand picks up a pen to write a poem, it is to enter into a dialogue between my soul and the One who wrote my soul into being.
Creativity has been a part of my life since I was a child. I took an art class every year in school, I danced regularly all the way through college, and my mom encouraged me so much in my writing that I ended up in Honors and Advanced Placement English classes throughout high school. I didn’t know it at the time, but all of this was giving me concrete ways to develop my interior life.
When I engage with my interior movements through creativity, it gives me a way to discover myself more fully. I can explore what I am feeling and why, or am able to express gratitude for a cherished experience of God. As a Catholic, I believe that God loves me as I am, but is always inviting me to transformation. Without turning toward the movements in my mind and heart, I cannot accept these invitations. Creativity is my way of saying yes to that gentle nudge from God.
As a woman, I believe that my body, with its capacity for bearing life, is part of God’s gift to me while I am on this earth. To bring my whole body into prayer through dance is one way I honor this gift. Writing about my soul’s espousal to the Author of my life, or drawing the beauty of God’s creation are ways I cherish my femininity. While the soul is God’s breath within us, our bodies are one of God’s greatest masterpieces. They are mysterious and intricate, miraculous and powerful. God gave you that body. Creativity is one way of expressing gratitude, but it doesn’t have to be everyone’s way. How do you thank God for the home he gave your soul?
Through attentiveness to our interior movements, we are able to find ways to be our authentic selves before God. In embracing the truth of who we are, we become free to be who God placed us on this earth to be. For me, creativity leads to freedom, and freedom leads to a life lived for others. You may not yet have found what leads you to freedom, but I have no doubt that one day you will. Sometimes the deepening of our journeys begins with an invitation.
Yours in God’s Masterpiece of Life,
Sister Desiré Anne-Marie Findlay
About the Writer: Sister Desiré Anne-Marie Findlay is a member of the Congregation of the Sisters of St. Felix, a Franciscan community also known as the Felician Sisters. Sister Desiré received her Bachelor’s degree in secondary education at the University of New Mexico before entering her community. After four years in formation with the Felician Sisters, she moved to Southern California where she taught Theology, Spanish and Dance at an all-girl’s high school. Sister Desiré now lives in Western Pennsylvania where she works closely with Catholic youth and young adults as the Vocation Director for her community.
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