How God Leads Me to Himself Through My Vocation to Marriage
Letter from Corinne Kaneb
Photo by Priscilla Du Prez
Dear Sisters,
If someone told me 10 years earlier that I would eventually be married and a stay-at-home mom, I would have been angry. It was not the type of life I imagined myself having when I left the Church, and God, in pursuit of worldly things. I left the Church in pursuit of the lies our world tells us about sexuality, gender, and lack of commitment to others. After years of questioning my gender, experimenting with my sexuality, and living my life in this way brought about confusion, anger, and even depression, I eventually found my way back to the Church, by the grace of God.
Through prayer and healing, God showed me the beautiful woman He made me to be. He asked me to leave the labels I had adopted behind, and He took me on a journey where I got to know myself through His eyes. I cannot tell you what God did for me, dear sisters, as it remains a mystery to me still, but I now look at fellow sisters in Christ as beautiful daughters of God. The previous identity that I made myself has melted away, and has been replaced by my true identity through Christ. It was during this time that I began to pray about my vocation. In complete surprise, I realized God was calling me to the one I never thought I was fit for: marriage.
I had prayed about my vocation while sitting next to my future husband in church. It was not long afterwards that I realized God was calling me not only to the vocation of marriage, but also to marry Kevin specifically. You can imagine, given my previous experiences, why I could not believe that God was calling me to it.
Kevin and I had a conversation a short time after we met, where he said we would be spending the rest of our lives together, and asked if I knew this as well. I felt the same way, but it was obvious God was not calling us to that at the time due to differences in age and time needed to grow in maturity. Kevin and I went our separate ways as acquaintances, and, since I just had a conversion experience, I spent that time on my own getting to know My God and the woman God saw me as. I continued to pray about my vocation, pray for Kevin, and I continued to discern whether this was what God was calling me to do through Spiritual Direction.
I still took time to reach out to and visit convents, but this process left me anxious and confused, rather than fulfilled and at peace. Although I admired the vocation of consecrated life, I came to realize it was not what God was calling my heart to, and I learned to trust God completely through the process. The concept of marrying a man was challenging for me after the decisions I had made, so I let God heal this part of my heart.
At about the time of my conversion, I picked up a revised version of Theology of the Body and cried as I read through it, realizing that I held the truth in my hands. Theology of the Body clarified all of the confusion I believed during the years I left the Church: how men and women are made differently and each sex for a beautiful purpose; how children are gifts from God, and that sex is also a gift from God –– a gift that needs to be handled with extreme care and gentleness. I had abused this gift prior to my conversion, and realized when God called me to marriage, I had a second chance to live in the truth that God had revealed to me. I had a chance to explore deeper the beautiful gifts of my femininity and womanhood in relation to my husband, to fight for the pro-life cause in public but also within the quiet of my family by putting into practice the deep and beautiful truth of Natural Family Planning.
Now that I am in the midst of motherhood and marriage, I cannot believe I ever looked down upon either of them; my heart is so full. I used to scoff at the endless chores, child rearing, and lack of professional accomplishment for the stay-at-home mom. I thought I was beyond what I considered to be the 1950’s housewife, and I wanted something greater and bigger than what it could give me –– freedom. I wanted to have a jumble of letters after my name and save the world with my social work degree. I wanted to be great and make a name for myself. I thought getting married and having children was the end of the road, and I viewed it as suffocating and too humble for the things I wanted to do. Yet, I now know it is the little things that bring about the big and great things. It is exactly the humility of the vocation that makes it big and great in God’s eyes.
It is rubbing my husband’s back when he is sick, sitting my daughter on the counter beside me while I stir the cookie dough, and setting out a meal on the table for my family at the end of a long day. Christ’s way is simple.
But each vocation is not without its challenges. Being a stay-at-home mom can be isolating, especially since I am an introvert. Many people I know work during the week, and if they don’t, my little one’s eating and nap schedule can make it difficult to plan things. This is what makes being a stay-at-home mom isolating. The Coronavirus pandemic has recently added to feelings of isolation. But, despite these feelings of loneliness that crop up here and there, I have never felt more filled with purpose, joy, peace, and gratitude.
My days are filled with little moments. I get asked a lot what I do all day, or what I have been up to, and my response never seems to give me the satisfaction I wish it would when I explained it. I wish I could portray how beautiful, inspiring, and so naturally raw I find my days. They are filled with imperfection. Yet the imperfection is beautiful, and it is what makes my vocation so meaningful.
Through my vocation, God has pulled me closer to Him. It astounds me daily how He could love me more than I love my husband and my daughter.
I see Him through my vocation as a wife. I can see the love of Jesus through my husband, as his heart is turned towards the poor. I can see God the Father in watching my husband care for our little one with gentleness and strength. I can see the Holy Spirit at work when a fight we have turns around and there is quick forgiveness and immediate love. And I see Him through my vocation as a mother. It shocked me when I realized there are things I do that He giggles at, or finds cute, just as I do with her. Her presence reminds me of how important it is to love God like a child.
The Theology of the Body says marriage resembles the Trinity. It’s hard to grasp, but I can see it. It’s a miracle. I thank God every day for the vocation He has called my heart to and the journey he has led me on.
Love,
Corinne
About the Writer: Corinne graduated from Salve Regina University in 2014 with a Social Work degree, with plans to save the world. She substituted her own plans for the ones God had for her, which now include being a wife, a stay at home mom, leader of a women's group and mom's group, and a mover in the prolife movement in New Hampshire. When Corinne isn't pushing her daughter in the swing, enjoying the kicks of her newborn in her womb, or laughing with her husband Kevin, she can be found dipping her toes in the ocean, reading a book, or sharing her heart with family and friends.
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